Surprise, Surprise

Astonish - to strike with sudden and usually great wonder or surprise.

I really like that word and how often it is used in the gospels, when there was so much shock going around. Jesus was “astonished” at faith but mostly lack thereof; the disciples were “astonished” at Christ’s incredible statements; the crowds were “astonished” at His teaching. It seems clear that when one is walking with God in a remotely serious way, there will be astonishment, probably on both sides.

I was reminded of this truth recently while skimming my prayer journal. In the midst of a confusing wilderness period, I turned to the journal to see what loose ends I might find there, what issues I might set to work on again in hopes of hastening our liberation from this highly uncomfortable terrain. I didn’t find what I was looking for. What I found were forgotten prayers from the last year, prayers I prayed before our deportation to the desert.

Now it must be noted that I have always been careful with my prayers, knowing that if invited, God would come like a bull into the china closet of my well-ordered life (shocking disrespect of valuables!). But last year I got desperate, and prayed carelessly. “Make our marriage what it should be,” “Make me the woman I am called to be,” that sort of thing. God apparently took me seriously, and charged right in.

What my journal pages revealed is that he answered the heart of those prayers, though he discarded the packaging I offered them in. He answered in ways I didn’t intend and with methods I wouldn’t have cooperated with had I been given the choice. His “yes” looked nothing like I envisioned. In fact, his yes has been rather painful. Yes has meant going without a regular paycheck for six months and counting; it has meant moving home with my parents in our thirties while peers climb the social and corporate ladders; it has meant living in the rural country as a proud urbanite; it has meant not understanding anything and yet gaining everything. Astonishing.

As I re-read those prayers from last summer, I remembered not only the longings themselves, but that I offered them with very little faith. I remember praying out of resignation, and honestly don’t think I ever expected to see the changes I asked for. Most astonishing was this—God answered the prayers, though pitifully prayed, and his answer was the very wilderness I’ve been moping through. Following the Lord through this hardship has changed me, Rob, and our marriage. It has changed the course of our lives forever, and that is not an exaggeration. For the first time in many years, I think I could rejoice at the Lord’s return instead of feeling ashamed. That is how much he has done with me in the desert, and it’s not over yet.

At the end of the day, I am grateful that God ignored my suggestions and went to the essence of the prayers. I am reminded that he knows better than I do and has my best interests at heart. It makes relinquishment and trust so much easier. I can now say in truth that I would not trade this time, and that I don’t want to leave it until he says so. My new hope and prayer is that I would become the kind of follower who can freely say, “Behold, the bondslave of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.”